I went to Ireland to go to school for two years and I ended up having a frequent sexual relationship with this girl that I was so intimidated by. She scared me so much. Sometimes her boyfriend would join us, sometimes he wouldn’t. And I hated when the boyfriend was there. I just really wanted to focus on my relationship with this girl. It started at her birthday party. She sent her boyfriend over to me, like, “Oh for her birthday Molly wants to have a threesome with you.” I thought he was joking, so I laughed and continued partying and then she came up to me later and was like, “Are you going to come home with me and Tony?” I’d never done that before and I was curious and they were both attractive. That happened a couple times.
I feel like there’s a very specific type of feminine friendship where one party is terrified of the other. I’ve had them a few times in my life and they’ve always been really sexually charged. That couple was constantly cheating on each other—they weren’t open. I was a part of that and it left me very emotionally confused. Since I’ve come out and started to transition she’s been liking all my posts—she’s kind of cheerleading me from the sidelines.
When I first met my current partner, I was still very feminine-presenting, if not completely binary. I knew that I was nonbinary, but I was still very much performing—so much was about performance and making the other person like me and proving something to myself. I came out as nonbinary in 2017 and I don’t remember exactly what led me to that realization. Interestingly, at first I was like I think I might be a trans gay man. I told that to a group of friends and a twink who was there that night was like, “No you’re not.” And I was like, “Okay, sure. You know. This is your community.”
I didn’t really believe in gender, but I was still very feminine-presenting and clinging to womanhood for a lot of reasons. Then during the pandemic, I’d been in a loving relationship for a while and I’d stopped pretending to be a horny little fuck freak. I do love sex, but my libido is much smaller now that it’s not tied to my self worth. I was horny for attention. The actual sex I was having [before my current partner] was so bad, but I needed it all the time.
My partner and I were loving each other and having intimacy in other ways outside of sex and I think that allowed me to feel settled and secure enough to arrive at the notion that my gender might be something else. I was actually watching Newsies and they were all singing together and I had a breakdown and I started bawling and I recognized a feeling of intense gender envy and secondhand gender euphoria. When I told my partner, he was really funny. He’d worked in a hat shop in Seattle for a long time and he has a lot of hats. He was like, “Oh, if you want, I’ll give you a newsie cap.” It was this sweet moment of him being on board immediately and accepting me in a kind of misguided way. I had to be like, “No no, if I wear those hats, I’ll look like an asshole. It’s an internal newsie hat.” But immediately he was like, “Wear my clothes, we’ll share a wardrobe and I’ll call you by this new name that you’ve chosen for yourself. I love the name you picked.” He was on board right away.