Welcome to Dangerous Advice, where Uncut Gems’ Julia Fox answers your most pressing questions about sex and love.
Breakups are always hard. But I just got dumped, and given everything else that’s going on in the world, it just feels impossible. How can I get to the other side of this when I can’t really distract myself with someone new—or even just hit the bar with my friends?
Down in the Dumps
Dear Down in the Dumps,
There is no use in trying to run and hide from your pain. (As you say, we are in the middle of a pandemic. Where are you gonna go?) So I want you to please buckle your seatbelt and brace yourself, because it’s going to be a wild ride…but if you do everything I say, you will get over them, and they will come back crawling and begging for another chance. (Which you will not so politely decline!)
First things first: Cry. Cry until you are a snotty mess. I want wailing. I want hiccups. I want you on your knees asking the universe “why me?!” (Did you know crying releases oxytocin and endorphins, meaning tears a natural sedative? Basically what I’m saying is that you have built-in Xanax. Use it.)
Eat what you want, binge watch every true crime show. Masturbate until you’re numb. Don’t even bother showering. Don’t call anyone, especially not them. Do this up until you feel so fucking horrible that something inside of you snaps. Look in the mirror: That’s the last time you’re ever going to look like that.
That first shower back will be your baptism, where you rid yourself of your ex’s energy. You’ll scrub off all that power they had over you and watch as it circles the drain and slips into the sewer, where that ex belongs. Because what kind of sociopath dumps someone during a global fucking pandemic?!
Now, I want you to pray. Yes, pray. Ask for strength. Beg for it! Do it in the morning and at night and really concentrate. But! Please list what you’re grateful for first. (No one likes a whiny entitled bitch.) Then list what you need help with, because you’re not perfect. And only then list what you want in life.
While you’re at it: pick up some new clothes, buy some jewelry, shave your head. Do something different to mark this new chapter in your life. It’s cliché, but you need to separate yourself from that desperate mess you were two days ago. We don’t know him!
Start exercising. Do yoga. Become vegan. Learn a language, start a business, become a life coach. Fuck it: Start a YouTube channel where you talk about heartbreak and recovery. Be SO extra! Wear your heartbreak proudly. Do ANYTHING.
Now is the time to avoid lounging around in sweatpants all day. Actually get dressed up in the morning even if you have nowhere to go. Invent an excuse to post to Instagram and subtly let the world know you’re back on the market. Watch those likes pile up under your photo; feel seen. (That’s something your ex clearly wasn’t doing for you.) You might even get a DM! There’s someone else right around the corner waiting to break your heart all over again, but it’s up to you to show up for it.
Through it all, always remember that perception is everything. The way you interpret your reality is the way you will experience it. Not everyone is lucky enough to fall in love. And not everyone is lucky enough to get away from someone that wasn’t meant for them.